Genshin Impact: A Guide to the Unofficial History of Teyvat — Chapter 107

Chapter 107: My Good Consultant! Are You Blushing?

Meanwhile, inside the quiet halls of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor in Liyue Harbor.

Today, it was a rare sight to find Hu Tao indoors. She wasn’t out on the bustling streets promoting her buy-one-get-one-free burial packages, nor was she messing around with her eccentric doggerel in the courtyard. Instead, she was lounging completely sideways in the grand, antique armchair in the main parlor.

She held a freshly printed book in her hands, her plum-blossom eyes shining with absolute delight as she read, a massive grin stretching from ear to ear. Every so often, she would make sharp clicking sounds of admiration or burst into a fit of giggles, her slender legs swinging restlessly over the armrest.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk… Marvelous, simply marvelous!” She slapped her thigh, nearly bouncing right out of the plush chair. “Ningguang’s shadowy subordinate and a secluded disciple of the Adepti… This author, Hanabi, really knows the hidden currents of our Liyue Harbor! This Shenhe—is that red string meant to bind her homicidal soul? Ha! Her heart is about to be bound by pure flirtation instead!”

A few paces away, Zhongli was seated at a mahogany table, slowly and methodically savoring a freshly brewed cup of premium floral tea. His posture was immaculate, his expression as steady and unmoving as bedrock. Disturbed by the sudden, raucous commotion from Hu Tao’s side of the room, he lowered his cup and looked up, only to see his Director grinning like a mischievous cat that had just stolen a plate of golden shrimp balls.

“Director, what has made you so merry?” he asked in a calm, measured tone, setting his teacup down on its porcelain saucer. “Have you found another interesting piece of reading material?”

“Oh, Consultant Zhongli! Come look, quickly!” Hu Tao waved him over excitedly, the pages of her book rustling loudly as she flailed it in the air. “This book is absolutely fascinating! It’s a romance between two women! Honestly, it’s even more engaging than Yun Jin’s operas!”

Zhongli’s brow twitched slightly, a rare look of mild puzzlement crossing his handsome features. “Oh? Such a book exists in the commercial market? I wonder what the content…”

“The content is incredibly rich!” Hu Tao suddenly sat bolt upright, crossing her legs and launching into an analysis as if she were reciting a rhythmic Liyue clapper talk. “Look at this opening—the first meeting at the Jade Chamber. It’s written with such tantalizing restraint, the atmosphere is just perfect! That Yelan character is clearly a veteran in the game of love; every sentence she speaks is a carefully baited hook, every step is calculated! And then look at our Shenhe, an innocent little crane who knows absolutely nothing of the mortal world, being flirted with step by step until she doesn’t even know which way is up!”

She eagerly flipped the pages, her finger jabbing at a specific paragraph, though she made no move to actually hand the novel to Zhongli. Instead, she winked at him conspiratorially. “Look right here, Chapter Two: The Bamboo Forest Maze. The hero saves the beauty… wait, no, it’s the beauty saving the… well, anyway, they’re fighting side-by-side! Yelan starts making these ‘unintentional’ physical contacts here, even brushing her hand against Shenhe’s while passing a medicine bottle. Tsk, tsk, such clever little schemes!”

Zhongli picked up his teacup once more, lightly sniffing the rising steam and the delicate aroma of the tea leaves. He did not interrupt, choosing to listen patiently to his employer’s energetic rambling.

Hu Tao grew more animated as she spoke, her voice rising a few notches to echo off the parlor walls. “The part right after that is the real highlight! They eat together, they investigate criminal cases together, and things get incredibly dangerous down in a Chasm mine cave. Yelan even throws herself in front of Shenhe to protect her, holding her so tightly! Tsk, tsk, this routine, this flawless arrangement—if you tell me this wasn’t entirely premeditated, I’ll write my name, Hu Tao, backward! This is a trap! A love trap specifically laid out for our simple-minded Shenhe!”

Agitated by her own excitement, Hu Tao simply jumped down from the grand armchair. With one hand planted firmly on her hip and the other waving the scandalous book, she paced around the parlor as if she had just uncovered an devastating conspiracy.

“Consultant Zhongli, savor it, savor the implications carefully!” She wagged her finger at him, her eyes shining with startling intensity. “Was it really such a coincidence that the mine cave collapsed right at that exact second? Exactly when they reached a critical emotional point in their investigation? That moment Yelan shielded her—the timing, the angle, it was absolutely flawless! It’s almost as if she knew the cave would collapse! She held Shenhe firmly in her arms while only getting a few superficial scratches on her own back—oh, that heartache, that guilt… how could our simple little Adeptus disciple possibly withstand a psychological assault like that?”

Listening to Hu Tao’s rapid-fire, borderline-manic analysis, a trace of thoughtfulness flickered across Zhongli’s steady face.

“According to the Director’s summary, this character named ‘Yelan’ is indeed careful and calculating,” he spoke slowly, his deep voice grounding the frantic energy in the room. “However, in terms of universal rationality, an act of protection in a moment of mortal crisis, even if it carries a hint of deliberation, may not be entirely devoid of sincerity. As for creating opportunities to be alone…”

Before he could finish his philosophical thought, Hu Tao slapped the mahogany table hard, her eyes gleaming as if she had just caught a prime suspect with blood on their hands. “Exactly! Consultant, you’ve hit the nail right on the coffin! Sincerity? Of course there is sincerity! Without genuine sincerity, how could this trap be so seamless? How could someone as guarded as Shenhe fall so deeply into it?”

Clutching the book to her chest, she hopped back into her chair but refused to sit properly, squirming around while dramatically mimicking the breathy tone of the characters.

“‘Yelan, your hand…'”

“‘It’s nothing, just a small wound…'”

Hu Tao broke character and squealed. “Oh my Archon, listen to that! Wasn’t that ‘small wound’ just perfectly timed? Stirring the heartstrings invisibly—now that is a top-tier hunter!”

As she spoke, she rustled the pages again, hunting down another dog-eared section, and pointed while reading aloud: “Look here, the part with the Treasure Hoarders. It was clearly a skirmish that Shenhe could have solved in three moves, but Yelan insisted on pulling her into a narrow mountain crevice to hide. Outside were chaotic footsteps, inside was a pitch-black darkness where they could hear each other breathe, and Yelan ‘subconsciously’ protected the back of Shenhe’s head, pulling her flush against her chest…”

Hu Tao fanned herself with her free hand. “Wow, that atmosphere, that zero-distance proximity—how could our Shenhe’s thousand-year-still heart not go pit-a-pat?”

She finally put down the book and spread her hands, looking like a grandmaster who had seen through the illusions of the mortal realm as she shook her head at Zhongli. “So, how is any of this a coincidence? It’s clearly a step-by-step conquest plan! From the stunning first meeting to the trust built through fighting together, and then the deep reliance formed in life-or-death danger… it’s a gradual progression, as silent and inevitable as a spring rain. By the time our little crane notices, the immortal fields of her heart will already be overgrown with the weeds of love named Yelan, and she won’t be able to pull them out!”

Slumping back into the grand armchair, Hu Tao crossed her legs and wiggled her toes, concluding her lecture triumphantly, “This author, Hanabi, is definitely a master of this craft!”

Zhongli looked at her triumphant, glowing expression and shook his head slightly, an amused sigh escaping his lips.

He assumed the Director’s theatrical analysis would end there. He picked up his tea, gently blowing away the floating leaves, and was just about to take a sip when he heard Director Hu rustling through the book yet again, eager to continue her commentary.

Zhongli looked up to see a highly mischievous, ‘if you know, you know’ smirk plastered across Hu Tao’s face. “And, Consultant, you have absolutely no idea how detailed this book gets! Later on, they don’t just watch lanterns and gaze at the moon. They soak in hot springs and bathe together, surrounded by thick mist… that scene, hehehe.”

“There’s also sharing a single bed and getting all intimate—oh my, it’s so romantic and moving! And, and…” She lowered her voice, acting like she was sharing a state secret, though her voice was actually louder than before. “Those kinds of… those kinds of plots!! They’re written so tantalizingly, so suggestive, it makes your heart race just looking at the words! This author is a total degenerate genius!”

“Cough, cough…”

Zhongli choked on his tea. He hastily cleared his throat, taking another small sip to cover his physical reaction. Though his face remained as calm and sculpted as ever, a distinct hint of shock flashed through his glowing amber eyes. “To think there would be such… exhaustive and improper descriptions.”

“More than that!” Hu Tao slapped her thigh again. “This is just too satisfying!”

Clutching the book, she giggled uncontrollably. “This work is really, really good. The plot has its ups and downs, the emotions have complex layers—it’s pure when it needs to be, and… cough, cough, it doesn’t hold back when it needs to go deeper! This is too much fun! I have to go ask Ningguang if she really has a Yelan under her command, and if she’s really this good at flirting!”

Zhongli was silent for a long moment before gently placing his teacup back on the table with a crisp, definitive click. He looked at Hu Tao, who was still thoroughly immersed in her excitement, his expression somewhat complex.

“Director,” he began slowly, his voice even deeper and more resonant than usual. “The details of this book… are they truly as exhaustive as you claim, far exceeding the boundaries of ordinary literature?”

Hu Tao shook her head proudly, her pigtails bouncing. “Of course! What kind of book has the seventy-seventh Director of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor not seen? But this one is entirely unique…”

“Precisely because of that,” Zhongli interrupted her, a rare, heavy seriousness settling into his amber eyes. “I would strongly suggest that the Director avoid reading such materials.”

Hu Tao blinked, her swinging leg coming to an abrupt halt. “Why? It’s such a wonderful book…”

Zhongli frowned slightly, as if carefully weighing his next words. “The plot of the book is certainly captivating to a certain audience. However, becoming too engrossed in it may negatively affect one’s character. Especially since the Director is still young and lacks worldly experience in these specific matters; if you solely pursue such… explicit descriptions, I fear it may disturb your mind and cause you to lose your true self.”

He paused, and seeing Hu Tao opening her mouth to argue, he smoothly added, “, the Director of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor holds a special, respected status in Liyue Harbor. If outsiders were to learn that the Director spends her days studying such scandalous books, I fear it would severely affect the parlor’s professional reputation.”

Clutching the book defensively, Hu Tao pouted. “Consultant, you just don’t get it at all! This is called drawing on a wide range of knowledge and studying the various, complex aspects of the human world! The business of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor needs to keep up with the times too, you know…”

Zhongli shook his head gently, unmoved by her logic. “For studying the human world, there are proper, refined classics like the Customs of Liyue. As for the ‘conquest plans’ recorded in this fictional book…”

At this point, he paused, a hint of genuine helplessness bleeding into his tone. “In terms of universal rationality, true affection is found in sincerity, not in calculated manipulation.”

Hu Tao blinked, processing his words, then suddenly leaned in closer over the armrest. She smirked, lowering her voice to a teasing whisper. “Consultant, I think I understand now. You couldn’t possibly be… embarrassed, could you?”

Zhongli’s expression didn’t change a single fraction as he simply picked up his teacup and took another slow sip. “The Director is joking. I merely believe that a person as intelligent as the Director should understand that no matter how wonderful the plot of a book is, it is ultimately someone else’s fabricated writing. The emotions of the real world are far more complex and unpredictable than those depicted in cheap novels.”

“I don’t care what you say, Consultant, you’re definitely embarrassed!”

Zhongli did not answer directly. He simply stood up, stepped over to her, and gently took the book from Hu Tao’s hands. He closed it, elegantly brushed a speck of dust off the cover, and then slowly placed it face-down on the mahogany table.

“Director, I am going out for a while.”

“Eh? Where are you going?” Hu Tao asked, tilting her head curiously.

Zhongli had already turned, his long coat swishing as he walked out the parlor door, his calm voice drifting back on the afternoon wind. “I suddenly remembered I have a prior appointment today. I shall return later.”

Hu Tao watched Zhongli’s departing figure, stunned for a moment before the realization suddenly clicked in her mind. She laughed so hard she literally rolled off the grand armchair, clutching her stomach as she lay on the wooden floorboards. “Oh my Archon! My good Consultant! Are you actually blushing?!”

However, Zhongli did not go to an “appointment” as he had claimed.

A short while later, Zhongli’s tall, elegant figure appeared in a secluded, private booth at the Heyu Tea House. He sat in perfect silence, sipping a fresh cup of tea.

And resting in his gloved hands, held with the utmost care and focus, was a copy of a book that was completely, utterly out of character for him to be reading.